Monday, July 18, 2005 | By: Dusty Taylor

If bad luck comes in threes...i have double my quota this week..and its only MONDAY.

I hope that you will enjoy Eric Claption and BB King doing a great rendition of "Riding with the King" while reading my tale of woe..

It started Saturday. I was attempting to enter my humble abode loaded down with the following: a laptop,purse and large bag of groceries. For whatever reason, the poodle gets in the way and trips me up..i have been known to be a clumsy fuck in the past so this presents an immediate problem for moi..i start to fall out the door..not in..out..as i attempt to save my aforementioned belongings from hitting the cement steps i quickly calculate that my face will instead hit the cement steps unless i take quick evasive action. I do what i consider the only thing available in the nanosecond it takes to do a face plant, i hang all my body weight on my right arm on the handle to the screen door. This action prevents me from completing the face plant on the cement steps, but it provides the opportunity of smashing my right knee into said cement steps..oh well, a knee is better than a face on the cement steps any day. Unfortunetly its the same knee that has suffered numerous injuries in the past including the 30+ stitches when i opened the sucker up on a curb as a small but dumb child. As i swing precariously around like a fucking ragdoll on the screendoor handle, bouncing my right knee off BOTH steps i silently wonder where in the hell my son and/or husband are AND if the neighbors are enjoying my gymnastic prowess i am currently exhibiting in broad daylight..

I finally release the death grip i have on the screendoor handle and fall to both knees on the friggin cement steps...the dog is oblivious to anything wrong at this point and stands there wagging her damn tail and smiling..it may have been a smirk i dont fucking know..

Suddenly it dawns on me that besides the wonderful scrapes and bruises on both knees my shoulder suddenly burns and hurts like a mutha..i mean it was on the same scale as child birth...on the pain scale childbirth is always the 10 to me..and i was doped up to my eyeballs and would of gladly beat the nurse to death with my fists for another epidural..it hurt THAT bad..even when i shattered and flew out the CLOSED drivers side window while my car was doing a nice spiral around that tree in '78, that pain was nothing compared to childbirth dear friends..in any case, i surmise i just might of dislocated my right shoulder...wow wee..this is gonna hurt big fucking time sports fans..and it does..

I try to regain my composure, surveying the 'hood for people watching my acrobatic movements and i see no one..whew..i am biting a hole in my lip to keep from screaming in pain and i drag my ass into the house mumbling to the dog that i will rip her throat out if she doesnt move the hell out of my way this time around..

ok...the b&c is laying around watching god knows what 50 year old cowboy movie in the bed room...i do my best imitation of the hunchback of notre dame as i drag my wounded leg and shoulder back the half a friggin block to the bedroom. by this time tears are streaming down my cheeks and i swear if i live thru this i will put a ramp to the front door, regardless of the cost involved..

i collapse on the floor in a crying heap at the foot of the bed..takes the b&c a minute to wake up and notice the moaning, crying lump that is moi on the floor. my brain goes into action, i start screaming out orders..get me a sheet and roll it up..i need it now jackass not next week move it move it...i find if i hold my arm up with my other hand and brace it against my ribcage the pain somewhat lessens..i order the poor man to remove my shirt gingerly..he puts the arm in the sling and i can finally breathe..no i am NOT going to the ER people die in that place from god knows what i tell him..if my fingers turn blue then i will go.

in short i hosed up the following body parts.both my knees, my right shoulder and of course my back..the same back that has two very badly herniated discs that can blow and leave me paralyzed from the waist down..this kinda worries me because now i can not move without major pain in my lumbar area..i scream out for vicodin and a glass of wine..fuck it, this needs to stop hurting NOW and those two things together might hurry the process..i tell the b&c that the ER room is NOT an option unless i lose consciousness and to not bring it up again..poor man looked worse than i did at this point...helpless and dumbfounded that i could still scream out orders in my current state.

i stayed doped up all day and night saturday..which wasn't the smartest thing because i had to transmit a report for the days work to HQ in Chicago...i tried to let the b&c help me with this but to no avail..the man can do nothing other than open a browser on a computer..cut and paste is a foreign concept to him..sending reports was way the hell over his head..but i got it done in between the crying and wailing in pain...THEN i collasped..

sunday found me hurting..alot...but my shoulder wasn't dislocated..thank god for small favors..my knees looked like i had been drug behind a car for 20 miles but hell..could of been worse...could of needed stitches again..my back was the main pain avenue and i am used to that..it has hurt for 25 years...its my old friend..

monday was a gem..i slept alot..i also tripped over one of the OTHER dogs and smashed the same right knee into the corner of the four hundred pound coffee table..why do they call it a coffee table? i dont fucking know..but i wondered about it as i screamed in agony once again..the dog is of course going into heat and acting crazy as a loon..she is due to be spayed wednesday and the price will double if her ass is in heat..not her ass, but you know what i mean...

the highlight of the day was when my boss calls and says she might have to unload some more stores on me..she just hired a girl but the other field rep is now taking a six month leave of absence due to her mothers declining health..my hours are going to skyrocket like the national debt..oh joy just what i needed..i took the job because it said..PART TIME...they lied evidently..and i got alot of out of town trips scheduled for the next two and a half weeks..nothing like working all day, driving for four hours and then driving back after the concert.. two days in the same week!!!!yeah i can do it...fuck..i think i can, i hope i can..i will dammit..i have no choice..i will NOT give up a $100 and a $50 ticket to see BB King and my beloved Joe Bonamassa in BB's final tour,he's 80 this year and i got tickets to the San Diego and Primm Nevada shows two days apart..yeah its dumb but you dont know my love of music if you question this..not bad knees, blown discs,hosed up shoulder or work schedules will keep me from my music..my sanity might however..the jury is still out on that one..

one final blow to my frayed senses...to add insult to injury..the YANK$ ARE NOW IN FIRST FREAKING PLACE IN THE AL EAST..oh what did i do so wrong to deserve all this..i ask you..what could possibly go wrong now..wait..nevermind..do NOT answer that..

2 people gave us their .02 cents:

FJ said...

I'll stop complaining about my sprained ankle now.

I hope everything gets better soon, and that your week improves dramatically.
No-one deserves that much bad luck!

...FJ.

Lily said...

omygod, you poor thing! K, I'm don't whining about my inlaws..... doesn't compare.