The Care and Feeding of 12 animals..a how-to manual..

Doesn't matter if I am working or not, my day starts at 5:45 am..some animal has to go out and pee..usually its one of two dogs..Sasha or Baby. Nicky the cranky poodle can hold it longer than any dog i have ever known. Sasha is the hyper we-dont-know-what-the-hell-kinda dog she is that usually wakes me..she does try to wake the b&c..i have seen her try but he is oblivious to the world..someone could fudge pack that sumbitch and he wouldnt wake up..anyways..ALL 8 inside and 4 outside animals are on red alert soon as they hear my voice and/or morning cough...for the only thing that matters this side of kisses and hugs..FOOD..

So i let two of the three dogs out..Tabby, an orange feral male i have been caring for since he was a tiny kitten is sitting on the front steps waiting for me..he stretches and yawns..guess he sleeps there. He is the 0nly remaining member of an original group of four kittens..i go rustle up some dry food for him and put it in his bowl..if I am feeling really magnanimous which i usually do, he gets some canned food..my dogs dont bother him and he doesn't pay attention to them. He lets me get within a foot of him now..its taken over a year for him to trust me that much..which is fine by me..the more he fears people the longer he will make it in this world..we got some real assholes in this neighborhood that kill ferals for fun..yeah..such a sporting thing to do ya fuckers..anyways..the kittens are up now and sitting around my feet looking up and squeeking..they dont meow yet..they squeek..its funny even at 6am..they sound like fucking little plastic toys i used to have for my son's bathtime when he was a wee lad...the dogs take their time peeing..i have to bellow at them to get in the house..i got kids to feed..they file in past Tabby whos still knoshing on the front steps..

Baby and Sasha both step on the three kittens who havent learned yet that when the dogs thunder back into the house, they dont look where they are going..the two older cats, Clyde the siamese and Scooter the siamese mix both know better and they are sitting in the "cat"chair..its a huge old lounger that has seen better days and now serves the purpose of providing a large scratching post and jungle gym for the house cats..people that come over know not to sit in it..or your friggin ass will be covered in cat hair..i mean covered..i am not the worlds best housekeeper so it gets cleaned maybe annually..nah..bi-annually..oh who cares..

I watch were I walk and lead the herd into the kitchen..now all 8 start either dancing around(the dogs)or meowing/squeeking ..scooter always tries to help me open the cans by hanging off the sink ledge by his claws and looking at me with his huge round blue eyes..sky blue..beautiful eyes..clyde is sitting in the background, he knows i will feed the kittens first and then him and scooter..the dogs get a biscuit to hold them over for five fucking minutes..they go out to the living room to eat their treats.. the kittens shadow my every move so if i manage to make it to the trash can and back without stepping on one its a miracle..i put out some canned food for the kittens and they attack it like they havent eaten in days..finally they are off my ass.
Then i open a can of tuna..not cat tuna..people tuna..the two grown cats, clyde and scooter will not lower themselves to eat cat food, its beneath them apparently..bastards will not shut the hell up until they get a spoonful of tuna in the morning...they also have to be fed in my bedroom since the kittens are wise to the tuna and will blow off the canned cat food for the finer cuts of people tuna..
As I take the tuna into the bedroom, I stop by the laundry room,were all the dry food is kept..I grab the dry catfood scoop, fill it and fill the bowls in my bedroom for the finicky adult felines, then i juggle the dog food scoop to take it back up t0 the living room where the dogs eat..nicky the fat cranky poodle eats expensive diet food, bitch has been eating it for three years and hasn't lost a fucking ounce. The other two dogs eat Ol Roy, a wally world brand. I bitch to myself about feeding so many worthless animals and perform a balancing act with the various scoops of pet food placing the correct food in the correct bowls..only ones left to feed are the parents of the three kittens..Bubba and Jackie the one eyed orange tabby mommie..they reside in the backyard along with Simone a beautiful blue point siamese that was born feral and inspite of my efforts to get close to her, she remains untrusting and aloof..gee, it couldnt be because the guys over in the cabinet shop filled her left hindquarter with bb's one afternoon...she still has a limp from that lovely altercation..Bubba was someones pet that was tossed aside, probably because the assholes didnt get him nuetered and he started spraying all over the place..Bubba talks to me the whole time I am outside..he loves when i take the time to sit and stroke his matted fur or pull stickers out of him..he's a sweet boy and huge but skinny as a rail..he keeps the other males out of the yards..he is the self appointed security guard for the two females, Simone and Jackie..there is a hiearchy among them all..and since Simon was killed last fall, Bubba is the top cat. He gets to eat before any one else, then the rest take their turns at the remaining canned food..if they dont get full then they visit the dry food bowl..

I finally get to sit down at my computer, the b&c still snoring loud enough to wake the dead..I finish this stupid post, and check my emails.I figure I will go to work early but very seldom do I get out of the house before 9am..ask me if i care...i watch the ferals clean themselves and then play and lounge in the morning sun which is now hitting the backyard and also the "cathouse" my son built for them when he got tired of my incessant whining...everyone is fed and happy, the kittens start playing with each other and Sasha the crackhead attempts to play with them too..the kittens check all the foodbowls to see if anyone left them any morsels..they didnt of course..we do this whole dance again at 6 pm..gee, i cant wait..