The MEN in my life..I use that term loosely mind you...

This post is in purple because its my favorite color..no deep meanings there..i just wanted to share..

I have been married four times..that includes the current spouse usually referred to as the Ball&Chain or b&c for short. I was married to one flake twice..my son's biological father..we call him the biological father cuz the muthafucka was never ever a father figure or a father period..giving sperm does not make you a father and the method doesnt matter. He was always the love of my life until he tossed me out for the last time saying and I quote:"I don't want a babysitter anymore, I want to do whatever the fuck I want. If that means drink myself to death so be it, but you need to go back to San Diego, call your sister NOW". I remember the quote like he said it to me yesterday, when in fact he said it to me over four years ago. I am so fucking glad he said it to me cuz i do not think I would of left on my own. I tried for years and years to help him overcome his alcoholism and failed..but I didnt fail..he did..i have to keep telling myself that. He was the nicest guy on the face of the earth when he was sober..the meanest drunk you ever met when he was..well, drunk. His name was Bruce..there is a theme here in that name..I use the past tense "WAS" since i have no clue if he is still alive. He contacted me about two years ago, my stupid sista gave him my home number just to get him to quit calling her house and leaving sorrowful messages for moi. I told him I was remarried and to leave me alone for all eternity..he had his shot..twice even..oh, and I thanked him for kicking me out that final time..the drunk was husband's number two and three. I wish I could of saved him from himself but I couldnt..took me a long fucking time to figure that one out.

The first husband was a nice guy named Bruce as well. He married me when I was 19 and he was 32. I loved him with all my heart and soul. We were together for 7 years. He loved to smoke Pot. He smoked about 10 joints a day..i shit you not..he would sit in his lounger each night and roll 10 doobies for the next day. The man was sweet and non-violent. And those doobies were big sumbitches..not small petite ones..as we got older I found I did not like to sit at home and zone out to TV each and every fucking night so I moved back to San Diego and moved in with my mom and dad..that was a thrill folks..I lasted two weeks at their house and moved in with a bunch of friends totalling five that lived in a one bedroom apartment. We would fight over floor space nightly so I got a place with one of them within the month. Bruce#1 and I stayed very close inspite of the differences, he would come to San Diego two weekends a month and "service my account". I loved him for that, it made the transistion easier i think. He stopped coming to town when I met Bruce#2. Bruce #1 was a great friend and confidant but the age difference caught up w/us. Its hard to live with someone who has already enjoyed being young when YOUR in that phase and the highlight of the evening is picking which sitcom to watch. I never stopped loving him but I wanted to experience life. I made the poor man move from San Diego to Boston and then to Arizona, all in a 7 year time frame..he was patient and good to me, never ever thumping on me or going off on me. I think of him on occasion and it makes me smile. He never cut his hair after he got out of the Air Force. Boy that shit was long! He was Portuguese and had the most beautiful smile and bright shiny eyes..his eyes were prolly shiny only cuz the sumbitch smoked so much pot, but I still loved looking into them.

I took a hiatus from relationships after Bruce#2 the first go around. I concentrated on getting a decent job ,making money and raising my son alone..its all i did for the most part, i had very few friends. I left him in Virginia and drove back to San Diego with my son who was 8 at the time. We didnt make it out of the state before my car blew up..literally. We moved in with my EX in-laws for a month till I could afford to purchase another piece of shit car to make the long trek back to the land of Cali. That buick made it to San Diego and promptly died. as it should be i guess..it did what I wanted which was get me the hell back to the left coast and hopefully some normalcy. Wrong was I..there is no normalcy in the world anymore..i am convinced of that..anyway..I refused to get involved with any man because my son was so desperate for a father figure he would latch on to any guy I was seeing even casually. I raised the little house ape alone and did a pretty good job of it until...

My son's name is Brian, he is 25,tall and handsome like his father. He also has a problem with alcohol like his sperm-donor father. He is also a mean drunk. We shall speak more of that later..my son was a fine child, getting A's in school and never making life difficult until he reached the age of 12..then all hell broke loose. The kid might look like his father but he has my temperment, poor kid. I was working 10 or more hours a day and he was a latch key kid. He is very intelligent, always tested in the 90 percentile range. He would never apply himself after he reached 12. He thought me and the world owed him something and he was gonna collect. I had to spend the next two years of our lives bailing him out of jail, out of problems at school and report him as a runaway ever other week. The topper was when I found a room-full of "white out" that he had been huffing. This all came about when he passed out in class and peed all over himself after huffing a can of computer cleaner in the back of a geography class. I turned into a warden at this point in my life, determined to get his head out of his ass and make him a decent member of society. I moved us to a top flight neighborhood, bought a condo down the street from my mom and went so far into debt trying to right his ship that I almost committed suicide twice. The kid just would not reform, in fact he got worse. He tried to burn my condo down once and took an exacto knife to all my worldly belongings..he never went to school, he made up stories for the shrink I was paying out the ass to take him to every week and generally became a loser extraordinare. I sent him to a ranch for Fuck-ups in northern LA county. That cost me $300 a month and he didnt last a year. He got tossed out for having a gun. They kinda frown on that shit. I still dont know where he got the gun and i dont really care anymore. At this point a sane person might get some professional help, but I couldnt afford it..I was tapped out. The condo was costing me an arm and leg, the lawyer bills for his previous bullshit were breaking the bank and on top of that someone stole my checks and wrote about 3K in hot checks before I knew what hit me.The bank refuesed to give me back my money so I did what any normal person would..I snapped..I sold my condo for nothing, I told the bank, the laywers and the creditors to all kiss my ass and I moved myself the the devil child to Georgia. A friend lived there and said the schools didnt take kindly to kids like him and would fix his ass good.Plus, the state of GA. expects children to behave like children and they actually put them in juvenile hall if they are chronic fuckups like brian.Cali never once made him accountable for his actions, just putting it off on me, the single parent without a support group of friends and family. So we moved to GA. That lasted less than three months. I found a killer job I loved, running a construction business. I had a feeling things were going to change for the better....WRONG...the kid took my bank card and cleaned me out..to the tune of $2k..he then took my car during a driving rain storm and promptly totaled it less than four blocks away. He took off and was gone...the cops said there was nothing they could do if they couldnt find him..I had no car to go to work, I had no money to pay my rent and I was sick of worry about that fucking kid..I waited a week in the apartment for him to come back. I lost my job cuz i couldnt get to my job. I sat in my apartment and contemplated suicide..i even got in the tub with a razor blade and tried like hell to slit my wrists..i just couldnt do it, which really pissed me off folks..

I broke down and called my sista..the one that always takes me in when I am running from something or someone. She paid for my plane ticket home and put me up for quite awhile. I removed my head from my ass and got on with life. I went back to my old job and made lots of money. I did not know if my son was dead or alive for six months until one day I got a call at work. It was a police officer from Georgia saying they had my son in custody. He was arrested for breaking into a house and stealing a gun collection. The cop wanted to know when I was gonna come out there and get my kid since he was under age and all would be forgiven if I just took him back w/me to Cali..LMAO..i know my rights as a parent and if your child is picked up commiting a crime you can tell them to fuck off..so i did...they tried to scare me into coming out there and it didnt work. I talked to a shrink and a lawyer and both said I did what I could and now it was time for this kid to pay the piper. He did time in juvenile hall and then was put into the system as a ward of the court. He went from home to home, always refusing to talk to me..afterall..i fucked HIM over by not bailing him out of that nasty little mess with the guns..it broke my heart that he could not see the error of his ways and talk to me. I wanted him back but i knew he had to deal with this shit alone..I am an enabler and I would of been no help to him.He didnt speak to me for two years. I became a drunk and quit my high paying job and became a waitress in a sportsbar at the beach..I didnt have to think, i didnt have to do shit unless I wanted to..I started to enjoy my life and the freedom that I had never expierienced before since I was always someones mom, sister, wife,maid or general doormat. I loved my life even if I did drink too much. I was not hurting anyone but myself and it really didnt hurt a bit...well it did screw the hell out of my liver..oh well a small price to pay for freedom..life was good...until...

Bruce#2 hunted me down again...and since I was a drunk i figured what the hell, lets be drunk together, maybe we can make it work this time. I let him back into my life..wrong move bozo.....but I must say it did make me straighten out MY life and become a functioning member of society again.. I felt the urge to move so we went to Arizona..I got a nice apartment, I told the ol man he could just be a househusband and try to stay sober..he couldnt of course..then the kid deceided it was time to try and make it work as a family..he was actually very happy that me and Bruce#2 had gotten back together..maybe daddy will be a daddy this time around..nope;..didnt happen..the kid ended up knocking the living shit out of daddy one night when he went after me for pouring his booze down the drain. Shortly thereafter I went back to San Diego and the sister that always takes me in..god bless her..i love that bitch w/every fiber of my being..too bad we can only get along for 48 hours at a time..both of us are type-A type assholes..

So, the kid followed me to San Diego and took his fathers place as the mean drunk in my life,not working and being a general blight on me and society..I was losing my sanity again when the B&C came into my life..I took him up on his offer to move to Bakersfrigginfield and let him support me and coddle me and do whatever the fuck i wanted for the rest of my life..the b&c didnt promise to give me sex and I should of been aware of that fact prior to moving in but I wasn't. The b&c is a good man but we have very little in common. He loves country music,, and i hate that shit. His idea of a good time is watching 40 year old cowboy movies..the b&c is a diabetic with highblood pressure, hes 10 years older than I and he cant walk to the fucking fridge without getting winded. He lets me do anything my little heart desires, even if its bad for me. He never tells me no cuz then i would lose it and he hates when i start yelling..everyone including the animals hate when I start yelling..every living thing leaves the room when I start yelling. its not a pretty site..Anyways.the kid from hell moved back to AZ after I bailed on him in San DIego. he promptly found out that life on your own sucks donkey balls cuz you cant party all the time AND keep a roof over your head and food in the house..he slit his wrists and ended up in the psych ward two days before Thanksgiving two years ago. I spent thanksgiving day driving to AZ and dragging his worthless ass back to bakerfrigginfield. I laid down the law prior to taking him out of the nut ward. I told him he will work a job and pay rent, he will move out after six months and get a place of his own..well two out of three aint bad..he still lives with us the little prick. He got a job he likes for the first time in his young life and he has worked for two years straight..hes a plumber in new housing construction. All those office jobs I got him never worked out..guess hes an outdoors manual labor type..

I met Bruce#3 online..in a baseball chat room. I love baseball..b as we shall call, him is a sweet soul that has a big fucking chip on his shoulder because of the cards he was delt in life..oh..hes also a manic Cardinals fan..nice play on words eh? I want to leave the b&c and try life with b..but its not working out that way for some reason..mainly because I can not bring myself to leave the b&c. The man saved me from myself and/or certain death. He is a sweet-natured man that loves me more than anyone ever has..he doesnt ask for much in return,just dinner on the table each night and watching tv with him..usually sports cuz i wont watch 40 year old fucking cowboy movies..he fixes my screwups and loves my son like he is his own. My son gave him TWO fathers day cards..one was hysterically funny the other was sweet and sincere. My son told him in the sweet card that the b&c taught him how to be a man, and I believe this to be true since the kid has finally amounted to something and quit drinking..over eight months now..he smokes a helluva lot of pot but who cares..he goes to work each day and pays his bills..when he finally get s out on his own I am sure the pot smoking will tone down..it will have to..you can not buy lots of pot and pay your rent and bills..but back to the Bruce#3...he will hopefully figure out what he wants or needs , drop that huge chip on his shoulder and enjoy his life with or without me. He needs to realize that HE is the only person that can make himself happy, i can not do it for him. Life is unfair but there isnt a damn thing you can do about it so suck it up and deal with it. He has the ability to do whatever he wants within the limits of his health issues and yet he does nothing. He can go anywhere, see the world or get off the internet and find a life among the living. His negativity suffocates me alot of the time but i still love him and care about him. I hope and pray that he gets his head out of his ass and makes a life for himself. If he can do that, then maybe there is hope for us..until then I refuse to leave my good,sweet, wonderful but sexless husband and join him. I will stay in a marriage that does not satisfy all my needs but nutures me and my son. I get to go to San Diego for a week alone every month so I do get a break, so how can i bitch? I do not have to work unless I want to and I do whatever the hell I please..i just do not have anyone to share it with..but these are the men in my life..I love them all for better or worse..